Carletonian
I had this (solicited) opinion piece in the Carletonian this week:
Social Security Privatization = Way Cool!
Since he became president back in early 2001, George W. Bush has been dispensing freedom around the world like a soft-serve machine dispenses tasty chocolate ice cream. Yum! Even the Iraqi insurgents, unsure of how to accept so gracious a gift, must be nearly overwhelmed by how generous our presidential administration is with its freedom.
There's so much freedom going around these days that we'd better make a list:
Apparently, the president and his fellow executives feel that the Social Security system is looking a little too "welfare state" these days, and needs an overhaul. I mean, a federal government looking out for the well-being of its citizenry? That is so twentieth century!
You know who really cares about our senior citizens, though? That's right, Wall Street! Currently corporations with trillions of government dollars invested in them are a little confused about what do with Social Security funds, and rightly so. I mean, isn't it a little weird having the government throwing wads of Social Security money your way? Totally! However, President Bush wants to help us to make it clear to the corporations that it is, in fact, the American worker who is entrusting to them his, or her, hard-earned retirement cash. Then they'll realize that it's okay to spend, spend, spend, and let those stock prices soar like bald eagles in the blue sky of liberty! We'll all be geriatric millionaires!
I mean, with a plan as swell as this, who needs security or stability? Who needs a steady flow of 40% of their pre-retirement income when you could be getting rich on tech stocks? Wait, I mean Enron. Er, well, you're sure to find some unbeatable stock in which to invest. In fact, we all will. If each worker invests all of his, or her, retirement fund in an above average stock, this plan will totally rock!
For some reason, though, those killjoys at the AARP don't like freedom or big retirement salaries. I'm not sure what their problem is, but I think it's about a lack of caution or something bogus like that. Lame! Apparently they've been listening to those crackpots over in the Congressional Budget Office who claim that Social Security could be solvent for the next 47 years. That sure sounds like fuzzy math to me!
You know, I guess if the executive branch of our government weren't so smart, we could just bite the bullet and raise taxes a little bit and... oh wait! No, we definitely can't, because that would reduce our freedom index rating quotient.
The idea of privatizing Social Security is so awesomely obvious that I can't believe Bush didn't implement it before, like in 2001 during his first term. We liked freedom back then, too, didn't we? Did he not do it because everyone would have laughed at him after having spent the preceding year watching the Dow and the Nasdaq tumble earthward from their tech-inflated heights? No, I bet it's because he wanted to save us a little something special for his second term, in case we were getting bored with stuff like Iraq and the eradication of our civil liberties. Oh, George W.--it's no wonder we reelected you!
Social Security Privatization = Way Cool!
Since he became president back in early 2001, George W. Bush has been dispensing freedom around the world like a soft-serve machine dispenses tasty chocolate ice cream. Yum! Even the Iraqi insurgents, unsure of how to accept so gracious a gift, must be nearly overwhelmed by how generous our presidential administration is with its freedom.
There's so much freedom going around these days that we'd better make a list:
-
Afghanistan? Free!
Iraq? Almost free!
Osama bin Laden: Yep, still free!
Up next: senior citizens of the United States.
Apparently, the president and his fellow executives feel that the Social Security system is looking a little too "welfare state" these days, and needs an overhaul. I mean, a federal government looking out for the well-being of its citizenry? That is so twentieth century!
You know who really cares about our senior citizens, though? That's right, Wall Street! Currently corporations with trillions of government dollars invested in them are a little confused about what do with Social Security funds, and rightly so. I mean, isn't it a little weird having the government throwing wads of Social Security money your way? Totally! However, President Bush wants to help us to make it clear to the corporations that it is, in fact, the American worker who is entrusting to them his, or her, hard-earned retirement cash. Then they'll realize that it's okay to spend, spend, spend, and let those stock prices soar like bald eagles in the blue sky of liberty! We'll all be geriatric millionaires!
I mean, with a plan as swell as this, who needs security or stability? Who needs a steady flow of 40% of their pre-retirement income when you could be getting rich on tech stocks? Wait, I mean Enron. Er, well, you're sure to find some unbeatable stock in which to invest. In fact, we all will. If each worker invests all of his, or her, retirement fund in an above average stock, this plan will totally rock!
For some reason, though, those killjoys at the AARP don't like freedom or big retirement salaries. I'm not sure what their problem is, but I think it's about a lack of caution or something bogus like that. Lame! Apparently they've been listening to those crackpots over in the Congressional Budget Office who claim that Social Security could be solvent for the next 47 years. That sure sounds like fuzzy math to me!
You know, I guess if the executive branch of our government weren't so smart, we could just bite the bullet and raise taxes a little bit and... oh wait! No, we definitely can't, because that would reduce our freedom index rating quotient.
The idea of privatizing Social Security is so awesomely obvious that I can't believe Bush didn't implement it before, like in 2001 during his first term. We liked freedom back then, too, didn't we? Did he not do it because everyone would have laughed at him after having spent the preceding year watching the Dow and the Nasdaq tumble earthward from their tech-inflated heights? No, I bet it's because he wanted to save us a little something special for his second term, in case we were getting bored with stuff like Iraq and the eradication of our civil liberties. Oh, George W.--it's no wonder we reelected you!
Posted on Thursday, January 27, 2005
1 Comment(s):
I enjoyed your piece in the Carletonian. Rather Lewis Black-esque in the angry portions, but excellent points were made.
-kw
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